Beautifully Brave: how my horse taught me the meaning of being present

August 23, 2022

On August 22, 2022, one of my horses died. High Country Dancer, aka Jerry, was a registered American Paint Horse. He was thirty years old.

I met Jerry in 2003 when I moved to Arkansas. When I saw him, he was standing in a stall, skeletal, with a horrific injury to his right hock. He’d been turned out with other horses in a back pasture on the property where I was boarding my horses. He’d gotten tangled in a barbed wire fence and wasn’t found for several days. By then, he’d dropped a bunch of weight, and the injury to his leg was severe and infected. Virtually no soft tissue was left around the hock. The veterinarian who cared for him didn’t expect a good outcome. He assumed the infection would kill the horse. The horse had other plans.

Jerry rallied, I bought him for the cost of the vet bill and took him home. He’d been a show horse, so I figured I’d purchased either the cheapest show horse ever or a pretty pasture ornament. I rode him some, and although he was sound, a miracle in itself, he couldn’t tolerate arena work. So, Jerry became a pasture ornament.

At one point, a family with a young daughter happened by our property. The dad and daughter fell in love with Jerry. The next thing I knew, Jerry was in their trailer on the way to a new home. We had a signed agreement that if they ever decided to sell him, I’d have first right of refusal.

The family took good care of him, and the girl rode him lightly and showed him some. They called a couple of years later and asked if I’d buy him back. Jerry came home.

Although Jerry was not born deaf, according to his first owners, he was deaf when I bought him. Deaf horses tend to buddy up with other horses and Jerry did exactly that. He settled into my herd as though he’d never left, bonding with a mare named Teddie. I called Teddie Jerry’s “hearing ear horse.” They had a special relationship. When they were fed outside, they insisted on eating out of the same bucket even though they each had their own. They’d eat out of one bucket together, taking turns grabbing bites of food. Then they’d turn to the other bucket and do the same. That’s unusual behavior for horses. I loved watching them go about their day together. Their bond was obvious and special.

Jerry and Teddie

A year ago, Jerry was diagnosed with EPM, Equine protozoal myeloencephalitis, which causes neurological problems and can be life-threatening. Jerry was twenty-nine when he was diagnosed in the fall of 2021. He’d lost some weight, and I didn’t expect him to make it through the winter. We upped his feed, a special senior feed appropriate for an old horse. He gained weight and looked healthy. His haircoat was fluffy in the winter and he shed out beautifully in the spring; besides some weakness in his hind end, he was a happy pasture horse. He loved mealtimes and greeted us each morning with his silly, high-pitched whinny. And oh, how he loved his friend, Teddie.

My new husband and I were beginning to think Jerry would live forever. Alas, a few days ago, Jerry stopped eating his grain. He looked lethargic, and his eyes were dull. He showed no signs of G.I. distress or other illness. His temperature was normal. However, he’d become increasingly disoriented and nervous. He ate alfalfa and continued to drink, which was good. By the end of day two, however, he was walking in circles to the left and seemed afraid of being touched. I couldn’t get a halter on him. I think he was blind or nearly so. How scary that must have been to be deaf and unable to see.

My veterinarian, Dr. Alexander, and his assistant, Lauren, came to my property to assess Jerry. (If you’ve read my blog about losing a pet, these are the same people who gave Topper an easy and peaceful passage to the rainbow bridge.) Dr. Alexander observed Jerry in the pasture. It was clear that the EPM had progressed, and Jerry was in neurological distress.

Someone once told me that, as the guardians of animals, our most important responsibility is to do what animals cannot do for themselves. That means making the final call when necessary without letting our sadness about losing them cloud our judgment. In my experience, animals tell us when it is time to let them go. We need only pay attention and act accordingly. It was time.

Dr. Alexander, Lauren, my friend Dewayne, and I talked and watched Jerry, who was standing in the middle of the pasture, hind leg cocked, peacefully gazing into space. I don’t think he could see much. Shadows, perhaps.

As we talked, I was struck by Jerry’s courage at such a hard moment in his life. Unable to hear or see, he’d positioned himself in a wide-open space. There were no walls or barriers nearby to help him discern where he was. He just…was. His beloved companion, Teddie, kept her eye on him, but from a respectful distance.

Jerry had never looked more beautiful to me than he did at that moment. He appeared fully present, surrendered perhaps, to what he was experiencing, feeling, and sensing at the most vulnerable moment of his remarkably long life. I had no idea that brave could be so beautiful.

Jerry being present

High Country Dancer, aka Jerry, remained in that pose as he left us to cross the rainbow bridge. He was not afraid.

In such moments, I invite my imagination to embrace the romance of the rainbow bridge narrative. This time was no different. I pictured sweet Jerry, sight and hearing restored, loping across the rainbow bridge, ears perked forward, looking for familiar faces. I like to think they all were there to welcome him Home—Andy (2022), Tiffany Two Spots (2019), Special Trouble (2000), and so many others, so dearly beloved. Losing our pets is the price of animal guardianship. It is a price I willingly pay, for it pales in comparison to the pleasure of sharing my life with animals.

Rest easy, sweet Jerry. To be graced with the guardianship of such a lovely animal was an honor. I love you.

6 Responses

  1. That was beautifully written Linda!
    There are no words to express the love of a pet, and I’m truly sorry for your loss.
    May the memories of sweet Jerry remain in your heart forever. ❤

  2. Hi Linda…….I just arrived home from an early morning walk with Martha.
    Indeed I am experiencing true sadness for the loss of your precious horse.
    I often look at the photos taken when I came to visit you in Magnolia many years ago……. There were 2 horses in the field at that time.
    I just looked at them……and….. the horse I had the priviledge of touching and patting… had more white on him including lots of beautful brown…..I look at these pictures frequently…..

    I ‘know’ what it is like to experince the loss of a ‘pet’.
    When my cat Annie passed away on December 3, 2021 , I have cried every day …since …
    I had adopted Annie and Martha – together 15 years ago in February 2007 ! !
    Martha was 2 and Annie 3 at the time…..
    Martha is now…very lonely, I can feel it and see it in her.
    It did not occur to me -until about 3 months after Annie passed away that “Martha” had always had several cats in our home……… As many as 7 …I have a photo of them eating together as I had put their food dishes in a ‘circle’ on the kitchen floor.
    I cherish this particlar picture……

    Thank you, Linda, for sharing your loss …….
    Thinking of you……Love Mom

  3. Such a beautiful tribute and heartfelt story of Jerry’s life with you. So nice to know there are angels like you that care for the great horses no matter if they win ribbons or are just kind souls who need love. I am sorry for your loss but what a lucky horse that you cared!!!!

  4. Linda I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. They become like our family especially when you have them as long as you had him. It is awesome you let him live his best life. That is probably what he was reflecting on when he looked so peaceful. I am sure he thought what a lucky horse he was to be loved to the very end of his life! Run Jerry Run for the sunset!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


more from us

Meditation and Imagination: Warmup Rituals for Courageous Writing

“How did you end up here?” It’s what people ask foreigners or people who’ve been through tough times. The grammar offends me. What is the referent for here, exactly? This country? This town? This relationship? This trouble? This chair? On the floor? On the rise? Indefinite antecedents should be a felony. And—end? I’ve yet to meet mine. I don’t mean to be ugly, but could we at least change the verb to one less terminal? Alight, maybe, or land, though the latter sits heavy. Either trumps the alternative. Earnest or incredulous, the question in question lays track on my life’s

Read More »

Butterfly Fierce

Expectations have been my downfall, and my choices have led to predictable disappointment more than I care to admit. Perhaps that’s why it irks me to no end when the ink of a good pen runs dry prematurely. I expect more of them, frankly. Like life, so the pen writes. I wax poetic as I reach into my desk drawer to retrieve another from my stash and find disappointment. A lone red pen is all that remains. Red ink is as offensive to the page as an overcooked metaphor. I compose the hard bits in longhand. Maybe blood-colored ink isn’t

Read More »
brown boxer dog and white lab

Baxter’s Golden Ticket

Baxter Brown was a boxer dog. I didn’t know his name when he arrived on my porch one cold March evening about five years ago, but I had seen him before. He wore an ugly orange collar with the owner’s name and number roughly engraved on a gold plate. I called the owner. “Aw, just beat him with a stick. He’ll come home,” the owner said. “Someone needs to be beaten with a stick,” I said. “But it is not the dog.” I hung up and invited the dog inside, where he belonged. He was shivering and terribly thin, so

Read More »

First Things First: write first, worry later

Most worry about how to tell their story impactfully without inciting the wrath of anyone whose behavior the writer exposes and condemns. I understand the concern. It’s legitimate. However, the time to worry about such matters is not when composing a draft.

Read More »