Blog

Why We Should Talk about Controversial Issues

March 19, 2018

A lot of people avoid talking about controversial issues due to fear or discomfort. As an academic, I have a hard time wrapping my head around being afraid to talk to someone because we might disagree on a matter. You see, discussing issues that are seen as controversial is a large part of how I make my living. I get paid to read, write, think, and talk about issues related to race, class, gender, sexuality, and religion. To me, talking about such issues is a normal, natural, and important thing to do. I enjoy it.

So I am baffled when, in my “non-academic world,” someone shuts down at the mere mention of a controversial topic. “Don’t they know how fun such discussions can be?” I wonder. The answer, of course, is no, they don’t know that. My training has taught me that such discussions are not only safe but exciting. However, others’ experiences–real or imagined–have taught them that talking about controversial issues may lead to kerfuffles among friends and bad vibes all around. I’ve heard the following as explanations for avoiding certain topics in conversations: “there is no point; h/she is not going to change his/her mind”; “I don’t want to say anything that will offend someone”; “s/he is just going to get mad and I don’t want to ruin our relationship.”

I want people to know that some of the most interesting conversations happen around issues that are considered controversial. Think about it. The issues are not controversial because they are boring; they are controversial because they are important. Important issues are those in which there is something at stake. Controversial issues are those about which people have different takes on what is at stake and for whom. The controversy stems from a disagreement over whose interests matter the most.

To make matters more complicated, somewhere along the line, we have been convinced that someone has to change his or her mind in order for a discussion of a controversial topic to be worth having. Nothing could be further from the truth. Contrary to popular belief, people can talk about issues without anyone having to be right or wrong. This isn’t to say that everyone’s opinion has equal merit; it is to say that it costs us nothing to listen carefully and thoughtfully to another’s point of view.

That is, people can hear and be heard in discussions with one another without having to name “winners” and “losers.” Unfortunately, most people have not learned how to take part strategically in conversations–note I did not say debates–about controversial issues. This needs to change because conversations about controversial issues have great potential for bridging the divides that threaten the well-being of our society at all levels. Where to begin?

Seek to understand before seeking to be understood

Productive, exciting, and intellectually challenging conversations happen when those involved really want to know what others think and why. That is, the best conversations happen when our wish to understand others’ points of view is stronger than our desire to express our own. As Stephen Covey stressed in his well-known best seller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, effective dialogue and win/win outcomes are possible when people come together seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. To put it another way, good things happen when we are willing to listen to what others have to say as opposed to preparing to shoot them down at the first opportunity. It’s that simple.

So what can we do?

Avoiding controversial topics in our conversations with others doesn’t make the topics any less controversial nor does it resolve related issues. Avoidance reinforces and adds to the ways in which we are divided. So, rather than avoiding conversations about controversial issues, we need to create and take advantage of opportunities to have them. Never miss opportunities to find out what you don’t know you don’t know and/or to better understand what doesn’t make sense to you. Take advantage of opportunities to connect with people across lines of difference.

Meanwhile, tell me, how do you feel when faced with the opportunity for such conversations? Do you avoid them? Do you jump right in? What advice do you have to offer? Please share and don’t forget to subscribe to Letters from the Coffee Shop!

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you.

2 Responses

  1. Love it. The art of deep conversation is being lost in.my opinion because of texting messages..I am one of those people who tends to prattle on bearing my soul in a text message ha ha whereas my friends are not

  2. I tend to jump right in, sometimes against my partners advice of reading the room. I’ve found this catches some folks off guard, which I’d like to believe results in a more truer opinion. Of course, it’s better to do this when drinking isn’t involved, as sometimes it gets more challenging to put the cat back in the bag once it’s out. These conversations, at least for me, stem from my selfish desire to wear the shoe on the other foot and learn something new. If everyone gets a chance to talk, discuss, disagree and come back to being friends then everything’s gravy. However unfortunately like you mentioned in your post, not everyone is welcome to that, and inevitably you’ll run into people who want “winners” and “losers”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Articles

more from us

Meditation and Imagination: Warmup Rituals for Courageous Writing

“How did you end up here?” It’s what people ask foreigners or people who’ve been through tough times. The grammar offends me. What is the referent for here, exactly? This country? This town? This relationship? This trouble? This chair? On the floor? On the rise? Indefinite antecedents should be a felony. And—end? I’ve yet to meet mine. I don’t mean to be ugly, but could we at least change the verb to one less terminal? Alight, maybe, or land, though the latter sits heavy. Either trumps the alternative. Earnest or incredulous, the question in question lays track on my life’s

Read More »

Butterfly Fierce

Expectations have been my downfall, and my choices have led to predictable disappointment more than I care to admit. Perhaps that’s why it irks me to no end when the ink of a good pen runs dry prematurely. I expect more of them, frankly. Like life, so the pen writes. I wax poetic as I reach into my desk drawer to retrieve another from my stash and find disappointment. A lone red pen is all that remains. Red ink is as offensive to the page as an overcooked metaphor. I compose the hard bits in longhand. Maybe blood-colored ink isn’t

Read More »
brown boxer dog and white lab

Baxter’s Golden Ticket

Baxter Brown was a boxer dog. I didn’t know his name when he arrived on my porch one cold March evening about five years ago, but I had seen him before. He wore an ugly orange collar with the owner’s name and number roughly engraved on a gold plate. I called the owner. “Aw, just beat him with a stick. He’ll come home,” the owner said. “Someone needs to be beaten with a stick,” I said. “But it is not the dog.” I hung up and invited the dog inside, where he belonged. He was shivering and terribly thin, so

Read More »

First Things First: write first, worry later

Most worry about how to tell their story impactfully without inciting the wrath of anyone whose behavior the writer exposes and condemns. I understand the concern. It’s legitimate. However, the time to worry about such matters is not when composing a draft.

Read More »