Blog

Can’t Move On After a Trauma? Then Step to the Side!

March 6, 2018

Several years ago a very traumatic event dropped me to my knees. didn’t think I’d ever be able to move forward. “I just don’t know how to go forward,” I said to my good friend Erica. (Yes, the same Erica from my last blog post about not settling for a life you don’t love!) “I just don’t know how to move on” I explained. “So don’t” she replied. “Just step to the side.”

Step to the side? Really? That wasn’t an option I’d even considered. No one “steps to the side” in a crisis. Isn’t that against the rules? You can’t just step to the side when your life falls to pieces. Nope. You’ve got to move forward. You have to suck it up. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Move forward. Forget about it. “Just get back to your normal routine” proclaimed well-meaning friends and associates who barely knew me, let alone what I needed to do. No matter that I was writhing in pain, paralyzed, barely able to breathe. Forget that I could barely get out of bed let alone dust off the residue of the trauma that had occurred so quickly. “Just move forward,” the world said, “Keep going forward.”

Granted, there are people for whom “moving on” is exactly what they need to do in the aftermath of a crisis or traumatic event. I was not one of those people. I wasn’t sure about a lot in those first weeks and months. I was sure, however, that “moving on” wasn’t happening any time soon. Call it a lack of resilience, call it weakness, call it whatever you want, but forward motion was not something I was capable of at that time. I knew it even if no one else did.

Stepping to the side, however, was something I could do. In fact, it was exactly what I needed to do. So, it was exactly what I did.

What Happened When I Stepped Aside

I have the luxury of a job from which I was able to take a leave of absence, which I did. Although I wasn’t sure about a whole of things at that time, I was sure about what I needed to do in the way of self-care. At first, there were days when I just retreated and gave myself permission to feel nothing…or everything. I just let myself “be” whatever I needed to be in any given moment.

At one point, I took my dog Reese and the two of us embarked on a road trip. We visited a friend who lives in Iowa. We stopped at parks in towns that were off the beaten track as often as we wanted. We detoured to places I’d never heard of just because we could. Somewhere along the way, I remembered how to laugh.

Reese #1 Missouri

There was something restorative about watching the obese, 11-year-old, labrador retriever who had adopted me right around the time of my crisis as she romped like a puppy in the autumn leaves in parks across several states. Through her antics, beautiful Reese invited me to remember what joy looks like. She made me believe that one day I would know that feeling again.

Gradually, the idea of moving forward seemed like a possibility. When I was ready, I stepped away from the side and back into my life.

Had I not taken Erica’s advice and given myself permission to “step aside” I am not sure I would have survived that terrible ordeal. I’m not trying to be melodramatic. It was awful and I wasn’t feeling particularly tough. For me, stepping aside was a life saver. I have no regrets.

Going Forward

Thankfully, not everyone has huge life crises that cause them to step aside from their lives for weeks or months at a time. But we all have moments when we are at our wits’ ends and feel like we cannot “go forward” for one more minute. Parents have moments when their children have driven them to the edge. Employees have moments when the workload is too much or a boss or colleagues have driven them to the point of feeling crazy. How much better might our days be if we would just allow ourselves to “step aside” in such moments, if only for five minutes?

coffee-2834511_1280

How much more focused and calm would we be if, instead of pushing through the craziness to our own and others’ detriment, we allowed ourselves to pause, if only briefly? How much happier and more grounded would we be if we allowed ourselves space to, say, sit quietly and meditate over a cup of coffee before moving forward? How much better equipped might we be to tackle the tough stuff if we gave ourselves and others permission to “step aside” from time to time?

This is hardly an original idea and many practice it regularly in different ways. However, the merit of “stepping aside” may not be in the forefront of our minds often enough, given the pace at which we live our lives today. Think about it. To what extent are you aware of your own need to step aside from time to time and do you honor that need? If so, how do you do that? If not, why not? What form does your self-care take? Please share.

As always, thank you for reading. I appreciate you.

7 Responses

  1. This is such an amazing piece, I fell in love with it in the first two lines! I had never thought of this concept of stepping aside and now that I do, it seems like such a good solution. I am going to share this whith my friends who struggle to move on. Thank you so much for this 🙂 -KoS

  2. I recently heard a phrase “Labor to Sit”. My brain quickly took note.
    I recently came off a 3 year stance of “One Serious Challenge After Another”, which completely wiped me out. I fought myself on a daily basis inside and out trying to fix each situation. I did not realize at the time that I was not capable of fixing anything, and had to find a way to love myself first. It was not all that long ago, I surrendered and allowed myself to take time for me and let the rest take it course. I am amazed that after doing this for a few weeks, I began to feel very happy with myself and thankful for my life. I feel alive again and am doing things I thought that I would never do. Thank you for your story. I relate to it very much. It hit a nerve with me. I will always remember the phrase, “Labor to Sit”. It has taught me that I can’t do everything all of the time, nor my best when I am beat down. My only regret is that it took me so long to get here.

  3. What a wonderful gift of inspiration from your friend. Sometimes it seems so easy to say “just do it”, but putting those thoughts into action is often much more difficult. This hit home for me, very thought provoking as I reflect back over my last few years too. I think so many people could benefit from stepping to the side for a while. Thanks or sharing this.

  4. That is so powerful and so well written. You make me gulp wondering if my Victim Mentality Cure would work in such a case. I have two sisters and a brother and all of them lost kids way too early. One of those losses still hurts even me, but what I try to remember is to honor them by doing what I think they would want me to do after they are gone. It gave me courage and purpose to press on and try to make the most of time that I have left.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Articles

more from us

First Things First: write first, worry later

Most worry about how to tell their story impactfully without inciting the wrath of anyone whose behavior the writer exposes and condemns. I understand the concern. It’s legitimate. However, the time to worry about such matters is not when composing a draft.

Read More »

Beautifully Brave: how my horse taught me the meaning of being present

On August 22, 2022, one of my horses died. High Country Dancer, aka Jerry, was a registered American Paint Horse. He was thirty years old. I met Jerry in 2003 when I moved to Arkansas. When I saw him, he was standing in a stall, skeletal, with a horrific injury to his right hock. He’d been turned out with other horses in a back pasture on the property where I was boarding my horses. He’d gotten tangled in a barbed wire fence and wasn’t found for several days. By then, he’d dropped a bunch of weight, and the injury to

Read More »

Shimmer and Dance

One of my earliest memories occurred when I was about two years old.    My family lived near the town of Port Elgin, a small tourist destination on the shore of Lake Huron, in a two-story apartment. The apartment comprised the front half of an old farmhouse, typical of those one finds throughout southern Ontario, Canada.  The farmhouse apartment had a stairway from the kitchen to the second floor. There were two steps to a small landing and about eight more steps leading to three small bedrooms and a bathroom on the second floor. A window at the top of the

Read More »

Divine Intervention: The Story of SAU’s Stolen Horses and a Hero

https://horseauthority.co/remembering-credit-card   When five of Southern Arkansas University’s rodeo team horses were stolen on November 2, 2011, Coach Rusty Hayes demonstrated that he is not one to stand back and let someone else figure out how to fix a problem. Instead, after the terrible discovery of the thefts that morning, Rusty immediately went into action. Over the next month, he repeatedly went to the mat for his rodeo team and the stolen horses. By now, most people know the story and have probably heard some of the gruesome details surrounding Credit Card’s death. The entire SAU family is devastated by

Read More »